I said I wouldn't cry over you anymore. The horrible pain you gave my was excruciating. I saved myself for you, made a promise to you and for what. Nothing. I don't regret not being with you anymore. In fact being without you, even being alone is better than having stayed with with you. Why from day one did you belittle me find fault with all that I was and did. I wasn't perfect. I'm a hard women to live with. Stubborn, proud and a bit wild. You tried to crush my spirit damn you! Saying my family and I were uneducated country people. Do you remember you said you hadn't been attracted to me for at least 6 yrs. You went to the doctor for Viagra because you couldn't get it up for me. You tried one and still said it didn't work.

Funny, you could use it to masturbate and have sex with someone else. Remember how before I knew you were with someone else I asked you why you wouldn't touch me and you said it was because I was fat and didn't have pretty enough underwear, you said, you guess you would have sex with me but you acted as though I asked you to do the most disgusting thing in the would. So I said forget it and you got angry. You said you didn't want to have sex with me but you would. Wow, so nice of you to offer me a pity fuck. I refused. Which in the end is what you wanted,
The best thing I ever did was leave you. of course the only reason you didn't want me too was for financial stability.

One thing I haven't learned and one would think I should have, is how to pick men. Most have told me I'm to fat, or they just want sex. I haven't been able to find anyone who is willing to take a chance on all of me.

sad

I'm laying here crying. So many questions, so many thoughts, what ifs and why not. My emotion's are crushing me. I hate them. They hurt to much.

Grumpy

I started out having a really good day today. It just sort of spiraled out into grumpy, sadness. I hate it when that happens. In most things in my life I want control. I know realistically that is impossible but it's how I am. Don't get me wrong there are or is one area in my life I will give control up.

It doesn't help that I'm a bit of a hot head and question everything. A lot of people take this as me challenging them, but I just want to know the when and whys of everything. Why did that happen, how are we going to solve it. Why should I do that when it makes no sense at all.

Anyway most days I'm pretty happy go lucky, smile, sing, laugh and say totally random things, most of the time not on purpose. My brother called me this morning  and we talked about our Grandma. (The sane one). We have another Grandma but she is a little out there to say the least. My brother said it sounded like my grandma had given up the will to live and he didn't think that she would make it through the yr. I had thought the same thing and even mentioned it to Mom.

Then I get to work and my good friend Jeffery decides he would invite me to a party one of his friends is having. It wouldn't be that bad but A.) The person throwing the party is a whore and I  said that to this person's face. B.) Jeffery's main purpose for inviting me is to find me a man *sigh*. Jeffery is in a happily ever after relationship, which I'm truly happy for him. It shows there are truly wonderful men out there, only most of them are gay. He said it is his mission in life to find me someone. I got angry with him and promptly told him there is no one out there for me. Then I felt bad because he's a wonderful friend and I yelled at him. I'm such a hot headed bitch sometimes. Grrr.

Then there was the actuall workday itself. Reguarding this subject I'll just say it was a cluster fuck do to poor leadership decisions.

Dating

I have decided there is no special someone for me. I believe I must have racked up karmic debt in past lives and am now paying for them.

I don't really need anyone. I'm self sufficient and can take care of myself, and I like it that way. I don't want to be dependent on somebody. There is something empowering about being able to provide for one's self.

The problem is that I want somebody to share life with. I don't mean moving in together, getting married (yuck) or being attached at the hip. All those things can be suffocating.

Sooo, I attached this Depeche Mode song. It's brilliant and explains what I want, and if you listen real close you'll find the irony is that the dream is probably unattainable. Life is cruel.

depeche mode- somebody mix (lyrics)

relationships

Why do humans have the drive to want to be togther? I know we are social creatures but what makes us want to seek out a companion or compaionship? Is it fear of being alone? Is it the fact that deep down inside a person wants to be loved and excepted for who they are? Is it the fact that most people truely need physical contact. I'm not just talking about sex. I mean hugs, hand shakes, or just plain being held.
There is a certain comfort gleened from the embrace of another.

I don't want some genaric answer like that's how God/Goddess made us. I want it explained. Some people go to such great lengths to feel human touch, even as far as paying for it. Or searching for people to have sex with so that the can find a brief moment of compaionship. I know we are wired to want to have sex to ensure the survival of the species. What I'm talking about though is something beyond that.

Hello Stranger -- Gospel Garden feat Beryl Marsden

If you are the light then I am the darkness.
If that's the case then why don't you push me away?
They say oppesites attract.
Is it to balance out that which consumes us
or is it because we see apart of what we want in the other?

U2 AND JOHNNY CASH -- THE WANDERER by U2MIXER

NINA SIMONE - I Put A Spell On You

I think I am falling and I don't want to. I'm trying so hard to hold on to my stubborn way of thinking but it's like a faulty foundation and crumbles beneath me. I know what started the cracks but why did you have to say what you did. Are you lying? In my mind you have to be. There have been so few with the same sentiment that you voiced. I'm so confused. I almost cried when you told me. I walked around numb not knowing what to think. Not really even able to digest what was said it was such a foreign concept. I guess I have no choice but to find out what's going on. I'm so scared though. I'm afraid of acceptance and of rejection they both hold their own brand of pain.

Sometimes I don't know what to write. I only know that I have thoughts and feelings, a tumble of emotions that need to spew out.

I don't want to like you. I really don't. I've been hurt by so many that have come before you. I've tried to go back to the way I was right after my divorce. It's no good though. I've grown, changed became something more complex yet some how infinitely more complete.

If you don't hear from me for days at a time it's because I'm mentally pushing you away. Have you noticed when we talk and there are things about us that click, I shut down? The conversation will then turn back to something mundane. I'm afraid to let you in. I'm sure that you really don't want to know me as a person; that your only interested in the mutual relief that we can give each other.

I understand someone wanting me for my body, though it's nothing spectacular. I can't seem to grasp that someone would want all aspects of me. Please don't get me wrong. I know you just want a "friend" and believe me the last thing I want right now is the gut wrenching pain of a broken heart. What I would really like, what I want, is a best friend that can become more. Such a simple thing really but it seems so unattainable.

To my friend Croucher.

The small piece of me that you brought back glimers pure and safe.
You held it for me so that when I was crushed there would still be a part of me that is beautiful, once I'm made whole again.

This is how I dealt with your death. I didn't know you, a stranger in need. I'm just sorry my friend and I couldn't save you. Even if you have no friends or family to remember you we will.

 I'm so tired.
 I want to close my eyes, but your face haunts me.
I try to burn it from my mind.
It's no use when your image is gone I still feel your lips.
I run my hand across my mouth to scrub the feel away.
The relief is only momenery because I see your face again.