Florence + The Machine - Drumming Song

Leah Andreone- Imagining You Lyrics

I said I wouldn't cry over you anymore. The horrible pain you gave my was excruciating. I saved myself for you, made a promise to you and for what. Nothing. I don't regret not being with you anymore. In fact being without you, even being alone is better than having stayed with with you. Why from day one did you belittle me find fault with all that I was and did. I wasn't perfect. I'm a hard women to live with. Stubborn, proud and a bit wild. You tried to crush my spirit damn you! Saying my family and I were uneducated country people. Do you remember you said you hadn't been attracted to me for at least 6 yrs. You went to the doctor for Viagra because you couldn't get it up for me. You tried one and still said it didn't work.

Funny, you could use it to masturbate and have sex with someone else. Remember how before I knew you were with someone else I asked you why you wouldn't touch me and you said it was because I was fat and didn't have pretty enough underwear, you said, you guess you would have sex with me but you acted as though I asked you to do the most disgusting thing in the would. So I said forget it and you got angry. You said you didn't want to have sex with me but you would. Wow, so nice of you to offer me a pity fuck. I refused. Which in the end is what you wanted,
The best thing I ever did was leave you. of course the only reason you didn't want me too was for financial stability.

One thing I haven't learned and one would think I should have, is how to pick men. Most have told me I'm to fat, or they just want sex. I haven't been able to find anyone who is willing to take a chance on all of me.

sad

I'm laying here crying. So many questions, so many thoughts, what ifs and why not. My emotion's are crushing me. I hate them. They hurt to much.

Grumpy

I started out having a really good day today. It just sort of spiraled out into grumpy, sadness. I hate it when that happens. In most things in my life I want control. I know realistically that is impossible but it's how I am. Don't get me wrong there are or is one area in my life I will give control up.

It doesn't help that I'm a bit of a hot head and question everything. A lot of people take this as me challenging them, but I just want to know the when and whys of everything. Why did that happen, how are we going to solve it. Why should I do that when it makes no sense at all.

Anyway most days I'm pretty happy go lucky, smile, sing, laugh and say totally random things, most of the time not on purpose. My brother called me this morning  and we talked about our Grandma. (The sane one). We have another Grandma but she is a little out there to say the least. My brother said it sounded like my grandma had given up the will to live and he didn't think that she would make it through the yr. I had thought the same thing and even mentioned it to Mom.

Then I get to work and my good friend Jeffery decides he would invite me to a party one of his friends is having. It wouldn't be that bad but A.) The person throwing the party is a whore and I  said that to this person's face. B.) Jeffery's main purpose for inviting me is to find me a man *sigh*. Jeffery is in a happily ever after relationship, which I'm truly happy for him. It shows there are truly wonderful men out there, only most of them are gay. He said it is his mission in life to find me someone. I got angry with him and promptly told him there is no one out there for me. Then I felt bad because he's a wonderful friend and I yelled at him. I'm such a hot headed bitch sometimes. Grrr.

Then there was the actuall workday itself. Reguarding this subject I'll just say it was a cluster fuck do to poor leadership decisions.

Dating

I have decided there is no special someone for me. I believe I must have racked up karmic debt in past lives and am now paying for them.

I don't really need anyone. I'm self sufficient and can take care of myself, and I like it that way. I don't want to be dependent on somebody. There is something empowering about being able to provide for one's self.

The problem is that I want somebody to share life with. I don't mean moving in together, getting married (yuck) or being attached at the hip. All those things can be suffocating.

Sooo, I attached this Depeche Mode song. It's brilliant and explains what I want, and if you listen real close you'll find the irony is that the dream is probably unattainable. Life is cruel.

depeche mode- somebody mix (lyrics)