Sometimes I don't know what to write. I only know that I have thoughts and feelings, a tumble of emotions that need to spew out.

I don't want to like you. I really don't. I've been hurt by so many that have come before you. I've tried to go back to the way I was right after my divorce. It's no good though. I've grown, changed became something more complex yet some how infinitely more complete.

If you don't hear from me for days at a time it's because I'm mentally pushing you away. Have you noticed when we talk and there are things about us that click, I shut down? The conversation will then turn back to something mundane. I'm afraid to let you in. I'm sure that you really don't want to know me as a person; that your only interested in the mutual relief that we can give each other.

I understand someone wanting me for my body, though it's nothing spectacular. I can't seem to grasp that someone would want all aspects of me. Please don't get me wrong. I know you just want a "friend" and believe me the last thing I want right now is the gut wrenching pain of a broken heart. What I would really like, what I want, is a best friend that can become more. Such a simple thing really but it seems so unattainable.